The Hardest Part

Negligence or is it just tunnel vision?

The hardest part about navigating the road to success isn't just the long nights where I'm up until my eyes feel as heavy as sandbags, it's not running on 4 hours of sleep and having to be engaged at my job the next morning, or the many sacrifices I silently make, what's been hurting most lately is when I finally stop long enough to reflect and acknowledge what feels different now. I've realized which areas of my life are taking a back seat while I'm finding my way, and the constant feeling of being spread thin.

What No One Talks About Often Enough

I watch interviews, listen to podcasts, come across clips on social media, and a common theme when people talk about chasing dreams has been the advice that often sounds repetitive at this point: "Everyone can't go with you. People want to see you do good, but not better than them. It gets lonely on your way to the top. Keep your faith in God and keep going."

All of that is true, but rarely do I hear people discuss one of the most challenging and important aspects: the pain that comes with chasing dreams and failing to properly balance the connections that mean the most, family, relationships, and friendships. Some areas are bound to suffer. Although there’s many times I feel sad and lonely on this journey. There’s simply not enough time to give everyone a piece of me when I’m in the process of creating. I don't have a team helping me out. I am the team.

It’s power in being disciplined and doing what you HAVE to do vs. what you’d rather do.

Relationship Negligence or Tunnel Vision?

Outside of my household, my loved ones think I don't have time for them, and they're right, I don't. Not in the way I used to. I am genuinely spread thin between all of the priorities I HAVE to juggle day to day. Oftentimes, people don't understand it, so they’re offended and take it personally. I get that, because everyone's 24 looks different. Some people prioritize relationships over being tunnel visioned about their goals, because that's what brings them fulfillment and happiness. Some people have the gift of balancing it all. As of now, that doesn't work for me.

I think of people and still won't call them, miss people, and let the thought come and go. Some factors have heightened my anxiety overall, further affecting the way I show up. It's hard to make time when my PTSD of not being disciplined and focused has wired me to think of constant interactions with people as distractions. Aside from that, I simply don't want people getting used to me always being available or feeling obligated to my time, when I KNOW I don't have much to give.

Am I really being negligent or am I just tunnel visioned trying to find my way?

I have a son depending on me, I'm depending on me, and I'm so uncomfortable with where I am, because I know how much further I had the capability of being had I not spent so much time lacking discipline, having fun, and spending time with people that weren't encouraging, inspiring, or beneficial to where I wanted to go.

It’s Not That I Don’t Care or Want To Connect

My unavailability is merely because I'm building something from the ground up. My days aren't neatly structured routines. They're scattered across a thousand moving parts. I've noticed that some people are "busy" but can still socialize often because their busyness comes from routine, which is more manageable.

My busyness is unpredictable. I'm a full-time mom and cook, work a full-time job, full-time student, and creating a brand from scratch all at once. Outside of holidays, milestone celebrations, and networking, making time feels like self-sabotage to me.

It’s my discipline that will create the transition from wanting to achieving my goals.

Should I do better? Probably

I know that chasing my goals doesn't mean the relationships I hold close to my heart should suffer completely. Somewhere along the journey, I have to make time to create a method where my goals can exist without my relationships withering. But, right now, I can't address that until I get a good handle on what it is that I'm even doing. Once my brick-by-brick actions start to form creations that I can visually see and physically touch, I cannot stress myself out about not having enough time to nurture others.

Maybe it’s selfish, but I spent so many years people-pleasing, I’m giving myself a pass

Reaping the benefits of success isn't just about what I build. It's also largely about who's still standing beside me when I get there. The road there is lonely enough. So, I think about these things often, but to avoid internal chaos, I have to stabilize one area of life at a time. And I’ll get there! I’ll get around to the people I love, but, I have to position myself and my child first and foremost! Loving me, is understanding that.

A Prayer for Balance in ALL Areas

I pray that as I continue to elevate, God places his hands over the most important relationships in my life. I pray that he helps me find my way to sustaining them, nurturing them, and shows me how to make time for them. I pray that he places understanding in people's hearts for the personal mission I’m on. I pray that he guides me in finding a healthy balance with life overall. Lord knows, I tend to work until burn out. I pray that the path his whispers continue to lead me down is one where I remember to hold his hand the entire way, so it's not beneficial in some areas and self-sabotaging in others.

I pray that I don't arrive at success with a half-empty heart. I want to arrive whole. Goals accomplished, family by my side, and with love that still runs deep <3.